the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
