Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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