Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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