I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
