One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
