youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
