lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize