so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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