Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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