Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
false alarm. still invincible.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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