omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
