When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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