why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
