you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
