For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
