So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
