In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
