mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
wow bdsm is so cute
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
