Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
