Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize