i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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