you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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