When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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