I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
