I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
