Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
