I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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