Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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