We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize