HIV tests are more positive than that guy
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
