I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
