I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
