All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
