Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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