I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
