and you said cock pushups were impossible
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
