last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
