im gay
i know
yea but for you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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