You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
