I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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