the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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