He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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