should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
