walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
