I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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