What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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