I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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