Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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