Pappa wants mamma naked
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
