Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
