You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
