OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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