I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
