he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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