Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
