I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
