I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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