also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
