He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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