Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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