the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize