The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
