can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
